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This is a very nice story, and I personally like it! I just have a few pointers.

There are some great stories out there that only use said, but you should use different words! Make it interesting. Mumbled, muttered, whispered! You could used "said nonchalantly" or "said absentmindedly." It just helps to give the impression of how the character is talking.

When someone new starts talking, start a different line. It's hard to follow when you have multiple characters all taking in one paragraph.

Again, love this story! I think it has a lot of potential! Hope I helped somewhat!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.


LittleMiss-Miku Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Student General Artist
OMG! Tenkiu much! I never thought i would get a critique in my life! Your the second person to tell me to use more interesting word. I'm making sure I use more Interesting words in chapter 3. I'll tell you when it's out!
ShugoGurl Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Student Digital Artist

And you're quite welcome for the critique! I like helping people improve their skills!
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